It hurts. The agony is unbearable. How did everything become so tangled?
I truly only acted according to Jesus’ words. The money I received from the chief priests—whether I had it or not—meant nothing to me. What I really wanted was to be the first to obey Jesus’ teachings, to be recognized for it. That was my real motivation. If my true intention was to have Jesus killed, why would I have delivered him over in the middle of the night, just before dawn today? This was all supposed to be part of the plan—a perfect plan, where Jesus would not die, and yet his words would be fulfilled. That’s why I chose to act during the night, in those early hours before dawn. But the chief priests and their vile schemes ruined everything.
My original plan was this: The Sanhedrin usually convenes during the day, and any verdict is reviewed and carried out the following day. So even if Jesus were tried today, the sentence would only be carried out after the Passover. Today is the day of preparation for both the Passover and the Sabbath; if the trial happened today and the verdict was confirmed after the Sabbath, that would be exactly the third day. The chief priests, fearing the people, would have no choice but to release Jesus if word got out. If everything went as planned, Jesus’ prophecy about rising again on the third day would be fulfilled, with Jesus emerging alive from the grasp of the temple authorities—just as Jonah came forth from the belly of the great fish.
But the chief priests and their cronies rushed through all the judgments at dawn. As soon as the rooster crowed, they convened the council and confirmed the verdict. They broke the law by holding a trial at night and skipped the review process entirely. Fearing the people might find out, they handed Jesus over to Pilate. These wicked men were truly determined to kill him.
Watching Jesus being mocked, beaten, and spat upon at dawn, I realized something had gone terribly wrong. I should have intervened then. What had Jesus done wrong? He had always helped others, never asking for anything in return—at most, a meal. If anything expensive was involved, it was the perfume the women poured on him, but that wasn’t even at Jesus’ request. What was wrong with giving him what they wanted to give? Jesus was that kind and pure. He never demanded payment for healing people or feeding thousands. In fact, he fled from those who wanted to make him king. Why are they so desperate to kill him? Jesus is truly innocent!
I never meant for Jesus to be killed. This was never why I handed him over. Why… why has it come to this? Jesus will soon be crucified. Pilate has handed him over to the soldiers for flogging. How can I bear to see Jesus on the cross? I have no strength left. Jesus said he would rise again after three days, but how can I believe that? It would be wonderful if he could truly rise again, but now that even he has been condemned, who could bring him back? There are no other prophets left—how could such a thing happen?
The weight of his thoughts pressed down on him until he could bear it no longer.
Morning had already come to Jerusalem, yet in its darkest, filthiest alley, Judas Iscariot remained hidden in the shadows, tearing at his hair in anguish. Again and again, he tried to justify his actions to himself, but each time the image of Jesus—scourged and bleeding—rose before his eyes, a sharp pain pierced his chest.
Judas had never anticipated that his actions would spiral into something so immense. Now, faced with the sudden and overwhelming consequences, he found himself utterly unable to cope.
For a long while, Judas wept in anguish. Then, amid his tears, a single solution suddenly occurred to him—a way, perhaps the only way, to set things right.
He reasoned that, as long as Jesus remained in Pilate’s court, if the chief priest who had accused him would withdraw the accusation, everything could return to the way it was. Jesus had been declared guilty and was being flogged; this was the last chance. Judas would return the money he had received and plead with them to release Jesus.
With this thought, Judas hurried to the temple. There he found the chief priests and elders, who had come to the temple while Jesus was being flogged. Judas returned the thirty pieces of silver to them and said,
“I have sinned in that I betrayed innocent blood.”
Just as he was about to plead for Jesus’ release, he heard a voice laced with mockery.
“What is that to us? You see to it.”
Their eyes, every movement, even the sound of their breathing, seemed to accuse him. His heart ached to the point of bursting. Unable to bear it any longer, he threw the money pouch to the ground and fled. The Tyrian shekels used in the temple spilled out—coins bearing the image of Melqart, the god of Tyre, on one side and an eagle on the other. Despite the commandment against graven images, these coins were accepted as temple currency for one reason alone: they were the closest to pure silver. Any talk of serving God was merely an excuse, for their hearts were filled only with worldly greed. The Sadducees, who believed in neither the soul nor the resurrection, saw no purpose in striving for anything beyond this life. Their wickedness had come to envelop the entire temple.
One of the men picked up the pouch Judas had thrown away and said,
“It’s not lawful to put them into the treasury, since it is the price of blood.”
They decided to use the money to buy a potter’s field as a burial place for strangers. Thus, the prophecy spoken through the prophets Zechariah and Jeremiah was fulfilled.
“I shepherded the flock marked for slaughter, especially the oppressed of the flock. I took two staffs and named one Favor and the other Union. I began to shepherd the flock, but I grew impatient with the three shepherds, and they also detested me. So I dismissed them within a month. Then I told the flock, ‘I will not be your shepherd. Let the dying die, and the perishing perish. Let those who are left devour one another.’ After that, I took my staff called Favor and broke it in two, annulling the covenant I had made with all the nations. It was annulled that very day. The oppressed in the flock realized that the Lord was speaking through my actions. I said to them, ‘If you think it best, give me my wages; but if not, keep them.’ So they paid me thirty pieces of silver. The Lord said to me, ‘Throw it to the potter, the handsome price at which they valued me!’ So I took the thirty pieces of silver and threw them to the potter in the house of the Lord. Then I broke my second staff called Union, breaking the bond between Judah and Israel.”
“Thus says Yahweh: ‘Go, and buy a potter’s earthen bottle, and take some of the elders of the people, and of the elders of the priests; and go out to the valley of the son of Hinnom, which is by the entry of the gate Harsith, and proclaim there the words that I will tell you: and say, "Hear Yahweh’s word, kings of Judah, and inhabitants of Jerusalem: Yahweh of Armies, the God of Israel, says, 'Behold, I will bring evil on this place, which whoever hears, his ears will tingle. Because they have forsaken me, and have made this a foreign place, and have burned incense in it to other gods, that they didn’t know, they, nor their fathers, nor the kings of Judah; and have filled this place with the blood of innocents, and have built the high places of Baal, to burn their sons in the fire for burnt offerings to Baal; which I didn’t command, nor speak, neither came it into my mind. Therefore, behold, the days come,' says Yahweh, 'that this place will no more be called Topheth, nor The valley of the son of Hinnom, but The valley of Slaughter. I will make void the counsel of Judah and Jerusalem in this place. I will cause them to fall by the sword before their enemies, and by the hand of those who seek their life. I will give their dead bodies to be food for the birds of the sky, and for the animals of the earth. I will make this city an astonishment and a hissing. Everyone who passes by it will be astonished and hiss because of all its plagues. I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they will each eat the flesh of his friend in the siege and in the distress, with which their enemies, and those who seek their life, will distress them.'"’... Then you shall break the bottle in the sight of the men who go with you, and shall tell them, ‘Yahweh of Armies says: "Even so I will break this people and this city, as one breaks a potter’s vessel, that can’t be made whole again. They will bury in Topheth until there is no place to bury. This is what I will do to this place," says Yahweh, "and to its inhabitants, even making this city as Topheth. The houses of Jerusalem and the houses of the kings of Judah will be defiled as the place of Topheth, even all the houses on whose roofs they have burned incense to all the host of the sky and have poured out drink offerings to other gods."’”
* * *
Judas Iscariot’s guilt grew heavier with each passing moment. What was the point of living after causing Jesus to be crucified? Jesus had said, “Woe to that man through whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would be better for that man if he had not been born.” Judas believed that someone like himself deserved to die.
Satan filled Judas’ mind with thoughts of death. Now that nearly all the prophecies concerning Jesus had been fulfilled, Satan sought to take revenge on God and His Son by destroying Judas, who was destined for this role. Knowing that God does not delight in the death of a sinner, this was a petty act of vengeance. Satan continued to pour sorrow, despair, and guilt into Judas’ heart. Judas thought these were his own thoughts, but in truth, they were the evil whispers of Satan—sorrows too great for any human to bear. What Judas truly needed was the word of Jesus, but he was so consumed by his emotions that he could not recall Jesus’ teachings.
Jesus had said:
“This is an evil generation. It seeks a sign. No sign will be given to it but the sign of Jonah, the prophet. For even as Jonah became a sign to the Ninevites, so the Son of Man will also be to this generation. The Queen of the South will rise up in the judgment with the men of this generation, and will condemn them: for she came from the ends of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon; and behold, one greater than Solomon is here. The men of Nineveh will stand up in the judgment with this generation, and will condemn it: for they repented at the preaching of Jonah, and behold, one greater than Jonah is here.”
The sign of Jonah that Jesus spoke of was not merely about Jesus dying and rising again after three days. It also meant that even the wicked—like the Assyrians who tormented and killed God’s beloved people—would be saved if they repented.
“You have been concerned for the vine, for which you have not labored, neither made it grow; which came up in a night and perished in a night. Shouldn’t I be concerned for Nineveh, that great city, in which are more than one hundred twenty thousand persons who can’t discern between their right hand and their left hand, and also many animals?”
Just as God told the prophet Jonah, He is a God who withholds judgment when people repent and turn from their wicked ways. But there was more:
“I tell you, my friends, don’t be afraid of those who kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will warn you whom you should fear. Fear him, who after he has killed, has power to cast into Gehenna. Yes, I tell you, fear him. Aren’t five sparrows sold for two assaria coins? Not one of them is forgotten by God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Therefore don’t be afraid. You are of more value than many sparrows.”
When Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss, he should have remembered that Jesus called him “friend.” Jesus wanted Judas to know that even he was precious.
Of course, Judas was a son of perdition, used by the devil. His loss was part of the fulfillment of Scripture:
“Didn’t I choose you, the twelve, and one of you is a devil?”
“While I was with them in the world, I kept them in your name. Those whom you have given me I have kept. None of them is lost, except the son of perdition, that the Scripture might be fulfilled.”
But this was not the end. Within Jesus’ words lay the path to life.
“Which of you men, if you had one hundred sheep, and lost one of them, wouldn’t leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one that was lost, until he found it? When he has found it, he carries it on his shoulders, rejoicing. When he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!’ I tell you that even so there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents, than over ninety-nine righteous people who need no repentance.”
“Or what woman, if she had ten drachma coins, if she lost one drachma coin, wouldn’t light a lamp, sweep the house, and seek diligently until she found it? When she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found the drachma which I had lost!’ Even so, I tell you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner repenting.”
“A certain man had two sons. The younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of your property.’ He divided his livelihood between them. Not many days after, the younger son gathered all of this together and traveled into a far country. There he wasted his property with riotous living. When he had spent all of it, there arose a severe famine in that country, and he began to be in need. He went and joined himself to one of the citizens of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed pigs. He wanted to fill his belly with the pods that the pigs ate, but no one gave him any. But when he came to himself he said, ‘How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough to spare, and I’m dying with hunger! I will get up and go to my father, and will tell him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight. I am no more worthy to be called your son. Make me as one of your hired servants.'’ He arose, and came to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was moved with compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight. I am no more worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let’s eat and celebrate; for this, my son, was dead and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.’ They began to celebrate.
Now his elder son was in the field. As he came near to the house, he heard music and dancing. He called one of the servants to him, and asked what was going on. He said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and healthy.’ But he was angry, and would not go in. Therefore his father came out, and begged him. But he answered his father, ‘Behold, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed a commandment of yours, but you never gave me a goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this your son came, who has devoured your living with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.’ He said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But it was appropriate to celebrate and be glad, for this, your brother, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.’”
Thus, being lost was not the end. Being lost could be remedied by being found. Life was not something to be given up on. No matter how great his sin, Jesus said there would be more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than over ninety-nine righteous people who do not need repentance. There was still a path forward for Judas. If Judas repented and lived, would not the prophecies concerning him still be fulfilled?
“The Son of Man goes, even as it is written about him, but woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would be better for that man if he had not been born.”
“Let their habitation be desolate. Let no one dwell in their tents.”
“Let his days be few. Let another take his office.”
These prophecies about the one who betrayed Jesus could still come true if Judas did not take his own life but lived to meet the risen Jesus, repented, and decided to pay the price for his sins. Even if he suffered greatly and was covered in wounds, it was still better to live. The prophet Jeremiah, who received God’s word, once thought, “Cursed is the day in which I was born! Don’t let the day in which my mother bore me be blessed.” David’s life, too, was marked by ruin and hardship—his home destroyed, forced to live in caves, fleeing to the enemy Philistines. And though Abel and Jonathan died young, could anyone say their lives were meaningless? No; though their days were few, they lived under God’s grace.
God spoke through the prophet Ezekiel, saying:
“When I passed by you, and saw you wallowing in your blood, I said to you, ‘Though you are in your blood, live!’ Yes, I said to you, ‘Though you are in your blood, live!’”
Why did Judas not understand that even in the midst of any suffering, as long as he lived, God would forgive him?
There were foreign nations that God brought to judge the rebellious and sinful Israelites. They, like Judas, played a wicked role.
“Behold, I will bring a nation on you from far, house of Israel,” says Yahweh. “It is a mighty nation. It is an ancient nation, a nation whose language you don’t know, and don’t understand what they say. Their quiver is an open tomb. They are all mighty men. They will eat up your harvest, your bread, which your sons and your daughters should eat. They will eat up your flocks and your herds. They will eat up your vines and your fig trees. They shall beat down your fortified cities in which you trust with the sword. But even in those days,” says Yahweh, “I will not make a full end of you. It will happen, when you say, ‘Why has Yahweh our God done all these things to us?’ Then you shall say to them, ‘Just like you have forsaken me, and served foreign gods in your land, so you will serve strangers in a land that is not yours.’”
God pronounced judgment upon them, but His words also included a path to salvation.
“Yahweh says, ‘Concerning all my evil neighbors who touch the inheritance which I have caused my people Israel to inherit: behold, I will pluck them up from off their land, and will pluck up the house of Judah from among them. It shall happen, after I have plucked them up, I will return and have compassion on them; and I will bring them again, every man to his heritage, and every man to his land. It shall happen, if they will diligently learn the ways of my people, to swear by my name, 'As Yahweh lives;' even as they taught my people to swear by Baal, then they shall be built up in the middle of my people. But if they will not hear, then I will pluck up that nation, plucking up and destroying it,’ says Yahweh.”
Even those who played a great evil role could be saved if they repented. Death was never the answer.
“Therefore I will judge you, house of Israel, everyone according to his ways,” says the Lord Yahweh. “Return, and turn yourselves from all your transgressions; so iniquity will not be your ruin. Cast away from you all your transgressions in which you have transgressed; and make yourself a new heart and a new spirit: for why will you die, house of Israel? For I have no pleasure in the death of him who dies,” says the Lord Yahweh. “Therefore turn yourselves, and live!”
God’s sincerity was embedded in these words spoken through Ezekiel. Why did Judas not understand this?
Judas needed to remember all these words and overcome the temptations of Satan whispering in his heart. However, his heart had already turned toward destruction, and he ultimately took his own life by hanging himself from a tree. Thus, another evil plan of Satan was fulfilled. Judas’ body fell, his belly burst open, and his intestines spilled out. The land where he fell came to be known as ‘Akeldama,’ or the Field of Blood.
The passages from Psalm 69:25, 109:8, Jeremiah 5:15–19, 12:14–17, 19:1–13, 20:14, Ezekiel 16:6, 18:30–32, Jonah 4:10-11, Zechariah 11:7–14, Matthew 26:24, 27:4-6, Mark 14:21, Luke 11:29-32, 12:4-7, Luke 15:4–32, John 6:70, 17:12 quoted in this narrative are taken directly from the World English Bible (WEB) translation. Of the parallel passages, I have combined them into a single version that includes all the content.
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